Currently Listening Live Through This By Hole Miss World see related

So Miss World England has been told by the Miss World Pagaent Officials that she needs to put on more pounds before next month's competition in China.

Her response, "I don't think I'm too thin. But I'll do my best to comply."

Beauty Pagaents- Ughhh!! First the Twiggy look is "in", then it's the Marilyn Monroe look. And soon enough it will be the pageboy again. Womens bodies don't just change with whatever figure happens to be in style at any given time, but the culture sure wants to make women feel like they ought to. It is all so ridiculously stupid! Why is there only one standard of beauty for women at any given time. Women are just as varied and unique and individual as men, and all different shapes and sizes can be equally appealing. Wouldn't it be great if women would just stop caring about their shape and size and whether or not it was "acceptable" and started concentrating on more important things. Really, think of how much collective time and energy is wasted on this matter.

"You think I should gain weight? Go to hell."

"You think I should lose weight? Go to hell."

I definitely would not win the Congeniality Pagaent! And what is the Grand Prize for winning the title of Miss World? Only $100,000. I don't think that's enough money to sell your individuality and become a cookie-cutter robot. Don't get me wrong, I love beauty. I just don't like the beauty pagaent industry.

Wouldn't it be awesome if Miss England's response was something more like "Piss off, mate! I am me! And if you don't bloody like it you can shove it up your arse!"

If she said something like that, she'd have my vote for sure.

If any contestant were to say something along those lines, she'd be the first one to actually deserve the title Miss World, in my book. This world needs more gutsy and brave women, not more cookie-cutter drones.

Currently Listening Carnival of Excess By GG Allin Carmelita see related

I am me. And that's all there is to it. This is one of those nights. The smell of new blonde hair and too many Saturdays that turn into "maybe next time". I don't know how much more I can take. I called him daddy. He's 29 and has no kids. But those little blue-eyed blondies yet-to-come are going to be so loved and taken care of. He's going to be a great father, I just know it.

My last bastion of sanity. My last pinnacle of hope. He drives away. I'm 30 years old. I told him if I don't have children with him, then I never will. He refuses to give me an answer. I've been walking a tightrope for the past year. It's time for me to acknowledge reality instead of always grasping for the way I wish things were.

They say that blood is thicker than water. But without water there wouldn't be any blood at all. And that's what it was all about. How he reminded me of every man in my family I've ever loved and lost. My brother, my grandfather, my cousin. Even my father. It has always been friends and strangers in my life- being kind to me, giving me support, keeping me alive. Never family. I haven't seen or talked to my father in 12 years. He was never really in my life at all, and he never will be. And he really doesn't care. I haven't seen my brother in 22 years, and I probably will never see him again. My sister, the last time I saw her she was a newborn baby. That will be the only time in my life I see her. She wants nothing to do with me, and for no reason other than my father claiming that as far as he's concerned he only has 2 children, her and her brother- when in reality he has 8 or more children, all from different mothers (and none with whom he was married).

My cousin is in jail.

My grandfather died 5 years ago.

All the men in my life I've ever loved and lost. Yes. And that is how I know that I will never be with him again. We are too much alike. He is too much like all of them. 6'5". Blond hair. Blue eyes. Standing at the bar with a drink and an unlit cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. Standing on the stage talking into the microphone, saying the most drunkenly absurd but funny things. Waking up in the morning with my head on his chest, as he calls Dominique, "it's your brother". Just another 3-word phrase that I will never hear.

He will get married, but not to me. He will have kids, but they won't be mine.

It's not the end of the world. Anais Nin never had children. Beethoven never had children. Van Gogh never had children. They live on through their art instead of their genes.

The year is more than half over. It's the middle of summer and nobody wants to read or write. But all I've been doing lately is writing. And dancing. That basically sums up my life in the past seven months. 

Currently Listening Use Your Illusion I By Guns N' Roses Don't Cry see related

Christmas night I was up til 6A.M. drinking 'moonshine' and dancing in a fivesome out at a split-level ranch in rural Williamson, New York. It was surreal, but at the same time- I felt right at home.

Some questions for the day:

How long is myspace going to last?

Does anything at all really matter?

There are 24 hours left for the year 2006. I cannot wait for the New Year- I think it is going to be the best ever!

2006 has been a year of broken hearts and dreams come true. The other side of midnight and blue eyes crying in the rain.

Lessons I've learned in the past year:

1. Things that cause you so much pain, I mean hurt you to your soul, will soon be just faint and faded scars.

My ex has been in Israel for almost a whole year now. Not one letter, not one phone call. Last Thursday I go to Liquid, and there he is- drinking and partying it up. He hugs me twice, tells me he's home for the holidays, and he's going back to Israel to live. He's joining the army there, the IDF. I wish I could say that I was happy to see him, but I wasn't. I was indifferent. I left and walked down the street to another nightclub. When someone hurts you that bad before they leave forever, the best thing is just to forget and move on as best you can. And once you've done that, there's no going back. I'm just glad I finally got over him. I still want to visit Israel, though!

2. Boys with knives and cigarettes (and tattooed arms) will probably break your heart.

 

  +   =   and.....

Find a new house, because there's no going back to this one- it's gone!

7.  I need to make more money!

8. Life is a gift. My cousin's 4-yr old daughter has Neuroblastoma. She's spent a whole year in chemo and radiation treatment and surgeries. But the cancer is back, so now she's going to Sloan-Kettering in NYC for a 4-stage treatment starting next week. Four years old! You ask why, but there are no answers. Other than enjoy life while you're alive and be happy that your healthy.(Fiona and her friend Madison in picture)

9. Things fall apart and people break up. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Don't do something to someone that you wouldn't want done to you. Regret, revenge, karma, justice, forgiveness. But once the damage is done there is no going back! This picture is of a night of innocence and fun- before drugs, selfishness, immaturity, and jealousy destroyed everything.

10. This is me at the end of the year. I am a daddy's girl that just never had a daddy. I am a mother that has no children. A wife that has no husband. A heart that has no home. Some things you can change and some you cannot. Someone has done me wrong, and I'm torn between revenge and karmic justice. I watch my life savings disappear in the wind. I see a lot of my little dreams kicking the bucket, but the biggest and best dreams are still alive- some already accomplished and others very soon to be real. I'm crying and I'm smiling all at once! I may be down in the darkest depths of hell, but I still have faith and hope. I know I'll make it through. I know I will succeed and accomplish all my personal goals. I'll change all the things I can. As for the things I can't change, I know that I will survive. I will survive.

My life in the past month:

Old Family Photos and Me Growing Up: